A year passes, another starts. What will it bring? What do I want it to bring? What will I do with it? Life is a continuous stream of time which we fill with our lives, our dreams, expectations and ambitions. Our emotion, desire and needs. Our search for happiness and meaning. 2005. My 30th year of this cycle. What do I want? From this life, from this year?
I guess the thing I ultimately want is freedom, freedom to choose, options. Freedom to pursue a variety of options - at different times, at the same time. I want it all. The sense of fewer obligations and restrictions. I want love. I would love to find myself naturally, without pretence and game playing in a healthy relationship. This may seem like the biggest contradiction… I want freedom but I want a healthy relationship. I guess it’s because I still hold on to the fantasy that a healthy relationship is free, true freedom - to be yourself, express and share the real me. Freedom from the games.
I want all sorts of freedom. Most of these freedoms require a level of financial stability and power. Some of them a lot. I will not head into my 30s with debt. Everything else about 2005 may be vague but that is not. I have spent three and a half years getting myself in and out (to varying degrees) of a financial situation, now is time to put it right and at least start a platform for financial independence. I’m in a position now, at least for a few months, with a good solid revenue that is guaranteed. Not just a partially recognised earning potential but real cash.
Written on the train from Moutier to Paris after spending xmas and new years staying with friends and snowboarding in Meribel. Heading back to Paris to wrap up a project and then back home to London.